I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
