I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize