guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
