since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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