i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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