I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
