woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
two words...techno handjob
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
