All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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