Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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