it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
