The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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