I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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