Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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