Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
