She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
