he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
bring money and cleavage
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
