omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
