happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
