you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
