There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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