Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
