Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dick very happy bro
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
