6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I cannot find my penis.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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