Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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