I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
