You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
