My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
