Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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