he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Congratulations! We have a period
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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