Jerry, you need to find god
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
