I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
