she told me i tasted like america
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
