so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
