why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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