Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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