Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
