he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You ruined the universe
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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