Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize