everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
