The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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