My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
