the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
