So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
