He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
