Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
