Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
