So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
