Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
