I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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