you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
