The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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