thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
