Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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