I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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