You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
