At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
