Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize