so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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