Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
