oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
